Often, deeply personal dreams go unspoken or underground after marriage because we assume they must in order to make the relationship work. It’s common for both partners not to feel entitled to their complaints. They may see their own desires as “childish” or “impractical.” But such labels don’t change the fact that the dream is something you long for, and if the marriage doesn’t honor it, conflict will almost inevitably ensue. In other words, when you adjust to marriage by burying a dream, it just resurfaces in disguised form-as a gridlocked conflict.
Exercise 1: Hidden Dreams
This exercise will give you plenty of practice in uncovering hidden dreams without, at first, focusing on your own marriage. Below are six examples of common gridlocked conflicts. Read each one, and think about what dreams may be hidden inside each partner’s perspective. Make up a brief story, or narrative, that explains the husband’s dream and his position then do the same for the wife. In each case imagine that this is your position and that it is very hard for you to yield. Think of what your position means to you and where this dream may come from in your past. Imagining other people’s dreams will help you unlock the door to those causing gridlock in your own marriage.
This is a creative exercise that has no right or wrong answers. To get you started, we’ve included the suggested dreams and stories for the first two couples. Try not to look at our stories about these couples’- dreams until you’ve come up with your own. You’ll get far more out of this exercise if you do it yourself.
COUPLE 1
Husband:
I think my wife is too neat and tidy I find myself constantly trying to find things after she has cleaned up. I think she is being inconsiderate and overly controlling, and I’m tired of it.
My Dreams Within This Conflict Might Be:
My parents were very strict disciplinarians. They saw any disagreement with them as insubordination. As a result I became somewhat of a rebel. I freely admit that I have a problem with authority, and that’s why I decided to build my own business. My dream is to have a home where I can be myself, and that means not following any rigid set of rules. I want my kids to challenge authority and think for themselves, not simply learn to be obedient. I myself want to be free in my home, including being sloppy at times.
Wife:
I like a certain amount of order and neatness in our home. I find myself constantly cleaning up my husband’s messes. I think he is being inconsiderate, and I am tired of this.
My Dreams Within This Conflict Might Be:
I grew up in a totally chaotic home. There was nothing I could count on as a child. I never knew who was driving me to school or picking me up. My mom would sometimes forget to pick me up, and I hated her for that sometimes. Then I would get home, and there would often be no dinner and no clean clothes. It fell on my shoulders to create all the order and sense of responsibility for my younger sibs. I resented having to do all that. My dream is to provide a much healthier family environment for my kids and family. To me order means predictability, security, and peacefulness. I want that for my kids. When the house is a mess, it takes me back to the chaos of my youth.
COUPLE 2
Husband:
My wife is very emotional and claims that I am far too unemotional. This difference between us makes me feel that she is over reactive and out of control at times, perhaps overly sensitive. I think that being rational is usually the best approach to strong emotional situations, not getting more emotional. My wife claims that I am hard to read and too distant.
My Dreams Within This Conflict Might Be:
I grew up in a family where everyone was a debater. We loved to argue with one another. My dad always asked a question, challenged me, and then took a contrary position to mine. Then the debate was on. It was no holds barred, and we all loved it. But getting emotional was illegal in this debating contest. Once someone got emotional, the argument was over. So staying in emotional control was highly prized in my family. It still is. So maybe I should be more emotional, but it’s not in my makeup. My dream is to be strong. I think of being emotional as a weakness.
Wife:
I am a very emotional person and my husband is far too unemotional. This difference between us makes me feel that my partner is cold and “fake” at times, not really present. Many times I have no idea what he is feeling. I am frustrated by this difference between us.
My Dreams Within This Conflict Might Be:
I am just an emotional person and that’s all there is to it. 1 think that’s what life is all about, feeling things, being in contact, responding. That’s what “responsible” ought to mean, “response- able, ” or able to respond. That’s the highest value for me. I respond to everything around me, to great art, to architecture, to children, to puppies, to competition in athletics, to sad movies, to everything. To be emotional just means being alive. This is the way I was raised, and I’m glad. My dream is to share my emotions with the person I love. If I can’t the marriage is doomed to seem dead, fake, and lonely.
COUPLE 3
Husband:
My wife is overly jealous, especially at parties. I think that social occasions are a time to meet new people, which I find very interesting. But my wife gets clingy and shy. She claims that I flirt with other women at parties, but this isn’t true at all. I find the accusation insulting, and it makes me angry. I don’t know how to reassure my wife, and I’m tired of not being trusted.
My Dreams Within This Conflict Might Be:
Wife:
At parties and other places my husband looks at other women and acts flirtatious. I find this upsetting and demeaning. I have brought this up repeatedly but cannot get him to stop.
My Dreams Within This Conflict Might Be:
COUPLE 4
Wife:
My husband likes to have sex much more often than I do. I don’t know what to do when he keeps approaching me for sexual intimacy. I don’t know how to say no in a gentle way. This pattern makes me feel like an ogre. I don’t know how to deal with this.
My Dreams Within This Conflict Might Be:
Husband:
I like to have sex much more often than my wife. I keep getting my feelings hurt when she turns me down. This pattern makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. I don’t know how to deal with this.
My Dreams Within This Conflict Might Be:
COUPLE 5
Wife:
I think that my husband is far too stingy when it comes to money and doesn’t believe in spending enough on just enjoying life and having fun. I also resent not having more personal freedom and control when it comes to money.
My Dreams Within This Conflict Might Be:
Husband:
I think that my wife is impractical when it comes to money and spends far too thoughtlessly and selfishly.
My Dreams Within This Conflict Might Be:
COUPLE 6
Wife:
My husband likes to stay in much closer touch with our families than I do. To me family connections are great sources of stress and disappointment. I have broken away from my family, and I want much greater distance.
My Dreams Within This Conflict Might Be:
Husband:
I like to stay in much closer touch with my family than my wife does. To me family connections are very important. She wants greater independence from our families than I do.
My Dreams Within This Conflict Might Be:
SAMPLE DREAMS
COUPLE 3
Husband:
I really do not flirt, nor do I have any interest in anyone but my spouse. It’s just that parties are my only way of really satisfying my gregarious and wild side. I really don’t want to be responsible or anyone else when I go to a party. My dream is to feel the freedom to explore.
Wife:
I have always wanted to be able to feel that I was “enough” for someone special in my life. That is my dream: to feel truly attractive and desirable to my partner. I want my partner to be interested in me, in knowing me and finding out what I think, wanting to know what I am like inside. I would find it incredibly romantic if I could go to a party with my husband and he didn’t even notice that there was anyone else there, had eyes only for me, and was totally satisfied spending hours in rapt conversation and dancing with just me.
COUPLE 4
Wife:
I was sexually mistreated long ago. I had no control over this, and it was quite horrible, but it did happen. I know my partner is not to blame for many of the feelings 1 now have. But I feel that sex can be okay only if it is on my terms. In my marriage there has been a lot of healing and gentleness, but I probably will never get over these feelings of having gone through a real trauma. My dream is to have sexual closeness on my terms only.
Husband:
My dream is to have my partner initiate sexual encounters with me and somehow be “swept away” by passion, I guess to really be totally attracted to me. I know I am not especially much to look at, but on some days 1 am not too bad. 1 periodically want my partner to feel that I am simply irresistible.
COUPLE 5
Wife:
Life is too short to just save for the future all the time. I know that a certain amount of that is necessary, but I want to have some sense that I am not living just for tomorrow. I don’t want to feel that life is passing me by. And that’s what 1 often feel, that I am not special enough to “waste” money on. I want to feel special and very alive. Where this comes from is, I suppose, always having to scrimp when I was poor. But now I make a good income, and I don’t have to live like that anymore.
Husband:
I want to enjoy life, but within limits. To me the problem with the world is greed. People never seem to be able to have enough “stuff” or get enough money. Just look at Americans on vacation, with all their things, campers, motorcycles, boats, cars. I don’t want to want things. I want to be satisfied with just a small amount of things and a small amount of money. I honestly don’t need very much to be happy. So I see myself as kind of like a monk, who has a purpose in life, and I do have that. A monk can be satisfied with very little, contented, counting all the blessings in life, and there are so many. So I believe in saving and spending very little. To me that’s how one should lead a moral life. Where does this come from? I think it comes from my father, who also was very frugal. Thanks to him our family always did well, and when he died, my mom was well provided for. I respect what he accomplished.
COUPLE 6
Wife:
It took. me a great deal of effort to get away from a very dysfunctional family. My parents were very cold and distant. My sister wound up in a mental hospital, and my brother became a drug addict. I was the only one who escaped. I escaped by becoming very distant from my family and becoming very close to my friends. Friendships have always meant a lot to me and continue to be very important. But I am wary of being close to my husband’s family. I see a lot of dysfunctional patterns, and they scare me. My dream is for us to form our own family traditions and maintain our own independence.
Husband:
To me a feeling of an extended family has always been very important. I can recall many a Sunday when my mother would have twenty or thirty family members visit. The coffee and pastries would keep coming all afternoon, and there would be lots of good stories, and card playing, and lots of laughter. Then there would be great food for dinner. Even during the hard times, my mother was always able to stretch the soup and it stayed thick and hearty. My dream is to have this family feeling of community, closeness, and great comfort in my own family.