To get a sense of how well you and your partner create a sense of shared meaning in your lives together, answer true or false to the following questions.
Your Rituals of Connection
- We see eye to eye about the rituals that involve family dinner times in our home.
- Holiday meals (like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Passover) are very special and happy times for us (or we both hate them).
- End-of-the-day reunions in our home are generally special times.
- We see eye to eye about the role of TV in our home.
- Bedtimes are generally good times for being close.
- During the weekends we do a lot of things together that we enjoy and value.
- We have the same values about entertaining in our home (having friends over, parties, etc.)
- We both value, or both dislike, special celebrations (like birthdays, anniversaries, family reunions)
- When I become sick, I feel taken care of and loved by my spouse
- I really look forward to and enjoy our vacations and the travel we do together.
- Spending our morning time together is special to us.
- When we do errands together, we generally have a good time
- We have ways of becoming renewed and refreshed when we are burned out or fatigued.
Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer. If you score below three, your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. Be sure to work together on Exercise 3, which follows this questionnaire.
Your roles
- We share many similar values in our roles as husband and wife.
- We share many similar values in our roles as mother and father.
- We have many similar views about what it means to be a good friend to others.
- My partner and I have compatible views about the role of work in one’s life.
- My partner and have similar philosophies about balancing work and family life.
- My partner supports what would see as my basic mission in my life.
- My partner shares my views on the importance of family and kin (sisters, brothers, moms, dads) in our life together.
Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer. If you score below three, your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. Be sure to work together on Exercise 2, which follows this questionnaire.
Your Goals
- We share many of the same goals in our life together.
- If I were to look back on my life in very old age, I think I would see that our paths had meshed very well.
- My partner values my accomplishments.
- My partner honors the personal goals I have that are unrelated to our marriage.
- We share many of the same goals for others who are important to us (children, kin, friends, and community).
- We have very similar financial goals.
- We tend to have compatible worries about potential financial disasters.
- Our hopes and aspirations, as individuals and together, for our children, for our life in general, and for our old age are quite compatible.
- Our life dreams tend to be similar or compatible.
- Even when different, we have been able to find a way to honor our life dreams.
Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer. If you score below three, your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. Be sure to work together on Exercise 3, which follows this questionnaire.
Your Symbols
- We see eye to eye about what home means.
- Our philosophies of what love ought to be are quite compatible.
- We have similar values about the importance of peacefulness in our lives.
- We have similar values about the meaning of family.
- We have similar views about the role of sex in our lives.
- We have similar views about the role of love and affection in our lives.
- We have similar values about the meaning of being married.
- We have similar values about the importance and meaning of money in our lives.
- We have similar values about the importance of education in our lives.
- We have similar values about the importance of fun and play in our lives.
- We have similar values about the significance of adventure.
- We have similar values about trust.
- We have similar values about personal freedom.
- We have similar values about autonomy and independence.
- We have similar values about sharing power in our marriage.
- We have similar values about being interdependent, being a “we.”
- We have similar values about the meaning of having possessions, of owning things (like cars, nice clothes, books, music, a house, and land).
- We have similar values about the meaning of nature and of our relationship to the seasons.
- We are both sentimental and tend to reminisce about things in our past.
- We have similar views about what we want in retirement and old age.
Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer. If you score below three, your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. Be sure to work together on Exercise 4, which follows this questionnaire.
The exercises that follow are really just a list of questions for you both to answer and discuss. They are divided into the four categories that usually form the bases of shared meaning between husband and wife: rituals, roles, goals, and symbols. These questionnaires are not designed to be completed in an evening or even a month. Consider them starting-off points for many future discussions and fireside chats.
To make the best use of these questions, focus on them one at a time. You can even write your thoughts about the question in your notebook. Then read each other’s entries and discuss the question face to face.
Talk about your differences on this issue as well as your areas of common ground, areas that you can build upon. Find ways to honor both of your values, philosophies, and dreams. Although in many areas you may have separate needs, find ways to be supportive of each other’s. Where you differ fundamentally, find ways of being respectful, of honoring the differences between you. (If this leads to an argument, work through the exercises in the chapters concerning Principles 4, 5, and 6 even if you’ve already done so. Write out, if you like, your own family constitution, what you agree on about meaning and shared philosophy of life.
| [Family Rituals] |