Fondness and Admiration

A Seven Week Course

This exercise is designed to get you into the habit of thinking positively about your partner when you’re apart. If you are angry, stressed, or feeling distant from your spouse, you may tend to focus on his or her negative characteristics. This leads to distress maintaining thoughts, and/or a physiological state of fight or flight, which in turn leave you feeling ever more distant and isolated in your marriage. This exercise counteracts that tendency by training you to focus your thoughts on your partner’s positive characteristics, even if you aren’t having such a great day together.

For each day below there is a positive statement, or thought, followed by a task. Think about each statement and say it to yourself many times throughout the day while you and your spouse are apart. In some cases the thought may not seem to apply to your spouse or your marriage, especially if your fondness and admiration have dimmed. Keep in mind that the statement does not have to describe the typical state of affairs between you at the present time. If you can think of a single instant or episode where the statement applied, focus on that memory. For example, if you’re not feeling overly attracted to your spouse these days, focus on one area of his or her anatomy that does appeal to you. Also be sure to complete the simple task that follows each positive statement. Do the exercise each day, no matter how you happen to be feeling about your relationship or your spouse. Don’t stop even if you just had a major blow-up or are feeling very distant from each other.

Although this exercise might sound silly or hokey, it is based on a wide body of research into the power of rehearsing and reciting positive thoughts. This approach is one of the tenets of cognitive therapy, which has proven highly successful in helping people overcome depression. When people fall into a depression, their thinking may become disordered–they see everything in an extremely negative light, which just adds to their sense of hopelessness. But if, overtime, they deliberately accustom their mind to a different, positive way of thinking, the sense of hopelessness can be lifted.

This exercise is an experiment in offering the same hope to marriage. What you’re really doing is rehearsing a more positive way to think about your partner and your relationship. Like any rehearsal, if you do it often enough, the words (and more importantly, the thoughts) will become second nature.

Note: Since most couples spend time apart on Monday through Friday, those are the days that are specified in the schedule below. You can switch the actual days around to better fit your schedule (if, for example, you work on the weekends), as long as you do the exercise five days a week. Use the reflection journal located on this website to record your thoughts, or you can use any type of journal or diary.

This exercise is also available in the Quenza App

Week 1

[Click Here] To complete a fillable online form for the week 1 activities, you can save and resume.

Monday

Thought: I am genuinely fond of my partner.
Task: List one characteristic you find endearing or lovable.

Tuesday

Thought: I can easily speak of the good times in our marriage.
Task: Pick one good time and write a sentence about it.

Wednesday

Thought: I can easily remember romantic, special times in our marriage.
Task: Pick one such time and think about it.

Thursday

Thought: I am physically attracted to my partner.
Task: Think of one physical attribute you like.

Friday

Thought: My partner has specific qualities that make me proud.
Task: Write down one characteristic that makes you proud.

Week 2

[Click Here] To complete a fillable online form for the week 2 activities, you can save and resume.

Monday

Thought: I feel a genuine sense of “we” as opposed to “I” in this marriage.
Task: Think of one thing that you both have in common.

Tuesday

Thought: We have the same general beliefs and values.
Task: Describe one belief you share.

Wednesday

Thought: We have common goals.
Task: List one such goal.

Thursday

Thought: My spouse is my best friend.
Task: What secret about you does your spouse know?

Friday

Thought: I get lots of support in this marriage.
Task: Think of a time when your spouse was very supportive of you.

Week 3

Monday

Thought: My home is a place to come to get support and reduce stress,
Task: List o time when your spouse helped you reduce stress.

Tuesday

Thought: I can easily recall the time we first met.
Task: Describe that first meeting on paper or in a journal.

Wednesday

Thought: I remember many details about deciding to get married,
Task: Write one sentence describing what you remember.

Thursday

Thought: I can recall our wedding and honeymoon.
Task: Describe one thing about them you enjoyed.

Friday

Thought: We divide up household chores in a fair way.
Task: Describe one way you do this on a regular basis. If you do not do your share, decide on a chore you will take on (such as doing the laundry).

Week 4

Monday

Thought: We are able to plan well and have a sense of control over our lives together.
Task: Describe one thing you both planned together.

Tuesday

Thought: I am proud of this marriage.
Task: List two things about this marriage that you are you proud of.

Wednesday

Thought: I am proud of my family.
Task: Recall a specific time when you especially felt this pride.

Thursday

Thought: I don’t like things about my partner, but I can live with them.
Task: What is one of these minor faults you have adapted to?

Friday

Thought: This marriage is a lot better than most I have seen.
Task: Think of a marriage you know that s awful.

Week 5

Monday

Thought: was really lucky to meet my spouse.
Task: List one benefit that being married to your spouse offers.

Tuesday

Thought: Marriage is sometimes a struggle, but it’s worth it.
Task: Think of one difficult time you successfully weathered together.

Wednesday

Thought: There is a lot of affection between us.
Task: Plan a surprise gift for your mate for tonight.

Thursday

Thought: We are genuinely interested in one another.
Task: Think of something to do or talk about that would be interesting.

Friday

Thought: We find one another to be good companions.
Task: Plan an outing together.

Week 6

Monday

Thought: There is lots of good loving in my marriage.
Task: Think of a special trip you took together.

Tuesday

Thought: My partner is an interesting person.
Task: Plan something to ask your mate about that interests both of you.

Wednesday

Thought: We respond well to each other.
Task: Write o love letter to your spouse and mail it.

Thursday

Thought: If I had it to do over again, I would marry the same person.
Task: Plan an anniversary (or other) getaway.

Friday

Thought: There is lots of mutual respect in my marriage.
Task: Consider taking a class together (sailing, ballroom dancing, etc.). Or tell your spouse about a time recent/y when you admired something your spouse did.

Week 7

Monday

Thought: Sex is usually (or can be) quite satisfying in this marriage.
Task: Pan an erotic evening for the two of you,

Tuesday

Thought: We have come a long way together.
Task: Think of a goal, task, or project you have accomplished as a team.

Wednesday

Thought: I think we can weather any storm together.
Task: Reminisce about having made it through a hard time.

Thursday

Thought: We enjoy each other’s sense of humor.
Task: Rent a comedy video to watch together.

Friday

Thought: My mate can be very cute.
Task: Get very dressed up for an elegant evening together. Or if you don’t like that kind of thing, plan another kind of evening out you would enjoy.

By the end of the seven weeks, you’re likely to find that your perspective on your partner and your marriage is far sunnier. Singing each other’s praises can only benefit your marriage. But in order to ensure that the gains continue, you need to put your respect and affection to work. In the next chapter you’ll do just that, by using them as the foundation for revamping–or reviving—your marriage’s sense of romance.